I haven’t blogged for a while as i’ve been sick the last 6 weeks. Yasu thinks i’m pregnant, i’m hoping, but 4 tests later i’m still getting a negative. I took myself off to the doctor today and he is making me have a full blood examination including liver, thyroid, diabetes, and kidney function tests. What that has got to do with painful ovaries, i’m not sure. I just hope he finds something!
The problem is, i’ve had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I didn’t even know they were symptoms until i checked online and found other women experienced the same thing and they were pregnant. I was definitely not getting my hopes up, but rather, i was sick of experiencing these things on a daily basis without confirmation of it. It’s not exactly a nice feeling.
We’ve been trying for 2 years, but the last 6 months i kind of gave up and just let it go, as the heartbreak of seeing negative test after negative test just left me feeling an emotional wreck. This time, when i think i just might be, everyone i know has fallen pregnant around me, and i feel heartbroken that everyone else is and can be, when it’s the one thing i want, but can’t be. It’s not their fault, i know that. But, i can’t help feeling depressed over it. I can’t even watch tv without babie’s nappies being advertised, and that is just another knife in my heart. I guess unless you’ve tried to have a baby and failed, you wouldn’t understand my emotions. It’s a hard road.
One of the things about Yasu that has always annoyed me is that he doesn’t know what compassion is, he just doesn’t have it in his makeup, so he never feels sympathy for others. He only sees things in black and white, and sometimes that can be so frustrating. But lately, he’s been Mr Compassion, and he has been saying “he understands my feelings, he understands what i feel” and he has showed tenderness that i’ve never seen from him in nearly 6 years of marriage. I am so grateful, because otherwise i would feel so alone. At least when he says he understands my tears of frustration, it is a little bit comforting to me to know, in emotion he is right there with me.
This is not meant to be a sad post, though it probably seems like it. I’m just letting you know my headspace at the moment. I’ve been carrying on with these feelings and hopefully it will soon be over, and i will know what’s going on with my body.
I was told by a psychic that i would definitely be having children, but she wouldn’t tell me when, because she said if she does tell me, i will focus on it too much. I guess she’s right. It is comforting to know i will have children, but it’s so hard waiting for the time to come!








