Among my friends there are quite a few Japanese women. All of these Japanese women have one thing in common – they are married to, or are in a relationship with an Australian man.
I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with how they are treated, or how they let themselves be treated.
I have a friend, let’s just say her name is Keiko. I met Keiko through an online penpal website. She was trying to make friends in Perth after just having moved here with her husband, and Australian guy she had just married.
This relationship was doomed from the get-go. Firstly Keiko cheated on him early in their courtship, but the Australian guy found out and threatened to kill the other guy unless she married him. Of course, Keiko decided to marry him because she felt intimidated, and the Australian guy bought her all these fancy Louis Vuitton handbags to try and win her over. He was really aggressive but also afraid of losing her in some twisted way. So, lured by the thought of endless LV handbags, Keiko married Bob.
Once they got married everything changed. The LV handbags dried up, and Bob revealed he had a daughter by his previous wife – a fact he didn’t mention before they got married, and Keiko never bothered to ask. Bob’s daughter came to live with them, and he started paying more attention to his daughter than Keiko, and when Keiko needed new clothes and a haircut, Bob ignored her and bought his daughter an $800 playstation console.
Soon Keiko was pregnant, and after a couple of years she had two children by Bob. Bob still favoured his all-Australian daughter over his two new half-children, and when the babies cried he smacked them around a bit to shut them up. If Keiko complained, she now got beaten to within an inch of her life, and told that if she were to leave, he would keep the kids.
Keiko now regrets ever marrying Bob. Now her children are nearing school age she was thinking about returning to work, but Bob put an end to that because he wants her at home, where he can control her. Keiko can’t go shopping, and if she sometimes is allowed, it’s only for buying the kid’s presents or clothes.
On the occasions when it is possible to go shopping for herself, Bob comes along and picks out what she can have and what she can’t. He also does the grocery shopping and controls exactly what they eat.
I am one of the only friends that is allowed into Keiko’s home. When Yasu and I do visit, Bob ignores us. In the beginning, Bob was friendly to us, but now his true colours show.
Keiko often talks about leaving, and I used to offer help, but not anymore. As much as I want to help, I can’t. Change and courage come from inside, not from me. I can’t push her to do something I know she lacks the courage for. So all I can do is be a shoulder to cry on when Bob comes home and hits her for not cleaning the house properly, or for not cooking the right meal, or for just being Keiko.
Another lady I know is in a similar position. Masako is in a relationship with an Australian guy. They live with his parents. He regularly hits her and abuses her in front of them and they don’t do anything, in fact they encourage it. They have a prejudice against Asians so they always say that Sam should “hit some sense into her” or “beat her into shape”.
Masako is a prisoner in his parents home. She is not allowed to go out at all. If she does go out, her Mother in law tells on her, and then she will be beaten. She is locked in, in the morning, and she doesn’t have a key. I have visited, and Sam has gone out and locked us in and I have had to wait until he gets home so I can go home! Sam is over 6ft tall and well built. He’s a professional boxer, so no one I can mess with.
Once again, Masako doesn’t have the courage to go to the police.
Another girl I know, Rie, is in a situation where her Aussie husband expects sex every day. When he doesn’t get it, he takes it anyway. The next day she wakes up and there is a parcel waiting beside her bed with a brand new designer handbag inside. Only on the day after she hasn’t been willing though.
He also makes it known that he has other Japanese girlfriends, he often leaves his computer on in view, so she can see the numerous emails he gets from the girls. He often goes out all night and never accounts for his whereabouts. He says he doesn’t have to. Though Rie is not allowed out by herself, or even with her friends. He wants to accompany her at all times, so now her friends do not bother contacting her, because he is a total arrogant pig, and often tried to sleaze onto her friends. We now keep in touch by email, because I can’t stand the guy, as much as I love my friend.
These are a few stories. I know many more.
I often ask myself, why do Japanese women let themselves be treated like this? In this vast land of opportunity that is Australia, why come here and let yourself be treated as a prisoner? Surely that is not love. You deserve so much more. Every woman does!
Is it just a bad choice, or are Australian men just pigs? Is this some kind of fatal attraction towards the rotten apples? I know a great many men who are nice, respectable men. I never knew any guys like the ones these girls are going out with until I started meeting Japanese woman in a relationships with one.
As a very strong-headed woman, I could not ever imagine myself in this position. I don’t let Yasu boss me around. He never says when I can or cannot go out, he knows I wouldn’t pay attention. He can’t keep me like a pet. On the same token, I don’t tell him when he can or can’t go out either. I believe that we are equal and we have the same rights and opportunities.
I had an idea that these women won’t complain because they are now on a visa in a foreign country. The men hold this over them to keep them in line. Ultimate punishment is losing your visa and being sent home.
My husband has permanent residence now, but even when he had a visa, there would be no reason for me to ever use that against him. Never would I! To use a visa as a bargaining tool is so low, I can’t contemplate it.
I think basically, these guys are society’s outcasts. They are the guys that usually stay at home and hurt small kittens, watch nasty video’s and play shoot ‘em up games on the internet. They know they have know hope with a normal Australian women due to their over-aggressiveness/controlling ways/violent tendencies etc and the only way they can ever have a relationship is to lure Japanese women with expensive gifts, then imprison them after marriage so they don’t run away. Really, they are scared, weird guys who have no confidence in themselves.
Somehow, in the hope of moving to foreign lands, and the prospects of marrying a rich Aussie guy, these women walk into a trap. I know 7 Japanese women married to scary Australian guys who have taken away their freedom and now treat them like dogs. I know 1 Japanese woman who married a nice, respectable guy, who loves her and treats her well.
If any Japanese woman who reads this is considering marrying an Aussie guy and there is something ‘just not quite right’ about him, or he gets angry really easily, please reconsider! Please don’t throw away your freedom so lightly, please don’t entrap yourself in a violent relationship! Please walk away now!!
16 Comments
I think there are a lot of reasons for so many Japanese women you know falling into this trap. One of the big ones is likely that, due to cross cultural differences, they fail to recognize “danger signs” that a man may be an abuser. Women have come a long way in Japan, but, by and large, they are still expected to be fairly subservient to males both on the job and in the home. That doesn’t mean they’re slaves, but they are more accustomed to being controlled in various ways. A Western woman recognizes controlling behavior as a sign of a possible abuser, but a Japanese woman may see it as relatively natural.
Also, frankly, Japan has a big domestic violence problem that is swept under the rug. It wasn’t even a crime here to beat your wife until the mid-80’s. Who knows what sort of upbringing these women had and what they witnessed their fathers doing? That’s not to say Western folks don’t see similar things, but the idea that it is wrong is pervasive in Western cultures and this is not so in Japan. We know that women who grow up with abusive fathers often marry abusers.
And, finally, women in Japan are not as independent as Western women on the whole. Many women still just want to marry and be taken care of. For us, this is seen as kind of weak and lame, but it’s perfectly acceptable in Japanese culture. I’ve known a lot of Japanese women who handed over their bodies and lives to someone who they don’t necessarily “love” in order to be “well kept”. I’ve known some that continue to remain in unfulfilling relationships because the “benefits” are too hard to walk away from. This is definitely something which is changing, but it’s still pretty common.
Fortunately, I’ve never known a Japanese woman who married an abusive foreign male, but all the ones I know still reside in Japan where the women have a base of power and where the couple lives on her turf.
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I think there are a lot of reasons for so many Japanese women you know falling into this trap. One of the big ones is likely that, due to cross cultural differences, they fail to recognize “danger signs” that a man may be an abuser. Women have come a long way in Japan, but, by and large, they are still expected to be fairly subservient to males both on the job and in the home. That doesn’t mean they’re slaves, but they are more accustomed to being controlled in various ways. A Western woman recognizes controlling behavior as a sign of a possible abuser, but a Japanese woman may see it as relatively natural.
Also, frankly, Japan has a big domestic violence problem that is swept under the rug. It wasn’t even a crime here to beat your wife until the mid-80’s. Who knows what sort of upbringing these women had and what they witnessed their fathers doing? That’s not to say Western folks don’t see similar things, but the idea that it is wrong is pervasive in Western cultures and this is not so in Japan. We know that women who grow up with abusive fathers often marry abusers.
And, finally, women in Japan are not as independent as Western women on the whole. Many women still just want to marry and be taken care of. For us, this is seen as kind of weak and lame, but it’s perfectly acceptable in Japanese culture. I’ve known a lot of Japanese women who handed over their bodies and lives to someone who they don’t necessarily “love” in order to be “well kept”. I’ve known some that continue to remain in unfulfilling relationships because the “benefits” are too hard to walk away from. This is definitely something which is changing, but it’s still pretty common.
Fortunately, I’ve never known a Japanese woman who married an abusive foreign male, but all the ones I know still reside in Japan where the women have a base of power and where the couple lives on her turf.
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Horrendous stories, Kelly! It’s terrible to think that these women feel they’re trapped. I’m sure that in Oz there must be some kind of help that they can get if they want it. For one, surely Australian law would allow Keiko to keep her kids under the circumstances – I’m inclined to think she should get them on a place to Tokyo! Those kids will learnt ‘normal’ behaviour at home and what’s more, who needs a racist dad?
I can’t help but wonder why they didn’t marry nice Japanese men, but I’m sure that these women wanted to meet Australian men because they weren’t Japanese and they were looking for something ‘outside’ themselves. It’s that Charisma Man thing again, the man who has trouble getting a women from his own background ‘cos of his lack of social skills; although the majority of CM are, I’m sure, just arrogant and annoying without being evil.
Although I know Japanese women to be fairly passive on the whole, it’s still strange to think of someone form a first world country being in this position – and you know seven! How many more women from Indonesia, say, must be in similar abusive relationships, who might feel even more powerless.
I think we’ve all, perhaps, dated people who we knew weren’t right for us, or carried on the relationship after we knew it was kaputt. But I do wish that women would take notice of the more obvious red flags that are ALWAYS present if we look rather then the LV bags.
Australia sounds like a wonderful country full of decent guys like my ex-co-worker in Takatsuki – whose girlfriend is Japanese – but the trick is to marry the man not the flag.
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Horrendous stories, Kelly! It’s terrible to think that these women feel they’re trapped. I’m sure that in Oz there must be some kind of help that they can get if they want it. For one, surely Australian law would allow Keiko to keep her kids under the circumstances – I’m inclined to think she should get them on a place to Tokyo! Those kids will learnt ‘normal’ behaviour at home and what’s more, who needs a racist dad?
I can’t help but wonder why they didn’t marry nice Japanese men, but I’m sure that these women wanted to meet Australian men because they weren’t Japanese and they were looking for something ‘outside’ themselves. It’s that Charisma Man thing again, the man who has trouble getting a women from his own background ‘cos of his lack of social skills; although the majority of CM are, I’m sure, just arrogant and annoying without being evil.
Although I know Japanese women to be fairly passive on the whole, it’s still strange to think of someone form a first world country being in this position – and you know seven! How many more women from Indonesia, say, must be in similar abusive relationships, who might feel even more powerless.
I think we’ve all, perhaps, dated people who we knew weren’t right for us, or carried on the relationship after we knew it was kaputt. But I do wish that women would take notice of the more obvious red flags that are ALWAYS present if we look rather then the LV bags.
Australia sounds like a wonderful country full of decent guys like my ex-co-worker in Takatsuki – whose girlfriend is Japanese – but the trick is to marry the man not the flag.
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Thank you both for your comments. I’ve had this rattling around inside me for a couple of years, and i finally let it out.
At first I was trying so hard to help these women any which way I could, but every time they just said they couldn’t do it, and in the end I had to admit defeat.
Whatever is happening is a part of their journey, I see that now, though it’s still hard to see them let themselves be treated like that.
I thought I would get some major flack for this post, but I’m prepared for it if I do.
I agree with you emsk, you have to marry the man, not his country or his nationality!
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Thank you both for your comments. I’ve had this rattling around inside me for a couple of years, and i finally let it out.
At first I was trying so hard to help these women any which way I could, but every time they just said they couldn’t do it, and in the end I had to admit defeat.
Whatever is happening is a part of their journey, I see that now, though it’s still hard to see them let themselves be treated like that.
I thought I would get some major flack for this post, but I’m prepared for it if I do.
I agree with you emsk, you have to marry the man, not his country or his nationality!
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I think I should add to this. My comment and Orchid’s came in at roughtly the same time, and she made some important points, particularly about the problem of domestic violence being swept under the carpet in Japan.
I should probably have written “nice Japanese men” like that in quotation marks, because of course plenty of them are brutes to their women. The point I was trying to make is that perhaps Japanese women – like many of us – find The Other more glamorous while not clueing themselves up on the reality, which is that people are people. Recently I had a row with an English guy at work who I overheard in the midst of a vicious diatribe against British women and how fat, lazy and ugly we all are compared to Russian women. It turns out that most of the Russian women he does want are only after his money anyway. British women can be no better, rejecting decent-enough guys for Italian stallions, then wondering why they’re given the runaround – they’ve fallen for the stereotype.
The trouble is if you decide you want an American man, say, you’ll get one. But is he the right one? Do you actually like him or the idea of him?
Orchid also mentioned not reading those cross-cultural red flags, which is a good point, but maybe we need to be aware of that old international friend intuition. The fact is if a guy – or gal – is too eager and is moving things faster than you want, or doesn’t listen when you point this out, then it’s probably not right and you have good reason to bale out. But we’re all brought up to find this romantic, especially the tired old chestnut of the man doing the chasing.
It’s sad to think a nation of extremely capable women are frequently brought up without any notion of self-esteem in what is, after all, a first-world country. There seems to be no education about how domestic violence is not only wrong, but why it might be accepted by women. For example, a lovely Japanese friend agreed that this was totally unacceptable, but then went on to show that he was pretty clueless as to why a woman would stay, coming out with “But why would you go out with a guy like that in the first place?”
While I was in Japan, a lady in my class made reference to her husband hitting her (the men in the class all looked horrified). I remember her husband and didn’t like the guy. She was a kind lady and seemed to be a bit older than her husband, and I wonder what kind of emotional abuse was going on as well.
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I think I should add to this. My comment and Orchid’s came in at roughtly the same time, and she made some important points, particularly about the problem of domestic violence being swept under the carpet in Japan.
I should probably have written “nice Japanese men” like that in quotation marks, because of course plenty of them are brutes to their women. The point I was trying to make is that perhaps Japanese women – like many of us – find The Other more glamorous while not clueing themselves up on the reality, which is that people are people. Recently I had a row with an English guy at work who I overheard in the midst of a vicious diatribe against British women and how fat, lazy and ugly we all are compared to Russian women. It turns out that most of the Russian women he does want are only after his money anyway. British women can be no better, rejecting decent-enough guys for Italian stallions, then wondering why they’re given the runaround – they’ve fallen for the stereotype.
The trouble is if you decide you want an American man, say, you’ll get one. But is he the right one? Do you actually like him or the idea of him?
Orchid also mentioned not reading those cross-cultural red flags, which is a good point, but maybe we need to be aware of that old international friend intuition. The fact is if a guy – or gal – is too eager and is moving things faster than you want, or doesn’t listen when you point this out, then it’s probably not right and you have good reason to bale out. But we’re all brought up to find this romantic, especially the tired old chestnut of the man doing the chasing.
It’s sad to think a nation of extremely capable women are frequently brought up without any notion of self-esteem in what is, after all, a first-world country. There seems to be no education about how domestic violence is not only wrong, but why it might be accepted by women. For example, a lovely Japanese friend agreed that this was totally unacceptable, but then went on to show that he was pretty clueless as to why a woman would stay, coming out with “But why would you go out with a guy like that in the first place?”
While I was in Japan, a lady in my class made reference to her husband hitting her (the men in the class all looked horrified). I remember her husband and didn’t like the guy. She was a kind lady and seemed to be a bit older than her husband, and I wonder what kind of emotional abuse was going on as well.
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I agree with Orchid in that going into another culture means you are less likely to see and know the “warning signs”.
I really wasn’t aware that there was alot of domestic violence of women by Japanese men in Japan. I had no idea about that.
I thought Japanese men weren’t home long enough to have time to hit their women!
You’re right, we need to trust our intuition when it comes to men. If something feels not right, then it probably isn’t.
I know you thought I dismissed Orchids post but I didn’t, unfortunately it was late at night when I read it and I just couldn’t muster up the energy of replying a really meaty reply, slack I know.
What Orchid said about women in Japan not being independent as a whole totally struck a cord with me because having looked at Yasu’s family just for a start, almost all the women are pretty subservient to their husbands, and they have no independant thinking.
I can’t imagine being like that, but then if I were them, I couldn’t imagine being me, and I wouldn’t have an example as a starting point to change.
However, you would think that with a foreign guy, they wouldn’t have any of those pre-conceived ideas to live up to because they’re in a foreign country with totally different ideals. The reason they might have come here is because of our relaxed way of life, and easy going lifestyle, thinking that it would be good for them, but they’ve stepped back into a Japanese way of being inside their relationships. But it’s a hundred times worse than having stayed in Japan and marrying a Japanese man. They’ve tried to live their dream but ended up living their nightmares.
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I agree with Orchid in that going into another culture means you are less likely to see and know the “warning signs”.
I really wasn’t aware that there was alot of domestic violence of women by Japanese men in Japan. I had no idea about that.
I thought Japanese men weren’t home long enough to have time to hit their women!
You’re right, we need to trust our intuition when it comes to men. If something feels not right, then it probably isn’t.
I know you thought I dismissed Orchids post but I didn’t, unfortunately it was late at night when I read it and I just couldn’t muster up the energy of replying a really meaty reply, slack I know.
What Orchid said about women in Japan not being independent as a whole totally struck a cord with me because having looked at Yasu’s family just for a start, almost all the women are pretty subservient to their husbands, and they have no independant thinking.
I can’t imagine being like that, but then if I were them, I couldn’t imagine being me, and I wouldn’t have an example as a starting point to change.
However, you would think that with a foreign guy, they wouldn’t have any of those pre-conceived ideas to live up to because they’re in a foreign country with totally different ideals. The reason they might have come here is because of our relaxed way of life, and easy going lifestyle, thinking that it would be good for them, but they’ve stepped back into a Japanese way of being inside their relationships. But it’s a hundred times worse than having stayed in Japan and marrying a Japanese man. They’ve tried to live their dream but ended up living their nightmares.
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Oh no, I didn’t think you dismissed Orchid’s point at all. It was more to do with my response; I saw what we’d both written and thought I might have come across as quite harsh on the women who get into these situations while Orchid’s response showed a lot more understanding, which I actually agree with. I just wanted to be a bit clearer about what I meant to say.
I think you’re quite right when you say that for these women being in a violent relationship with a foreign man in his country must be much worse, if only because it’s hard to get help and also, perhaps, because maybe they feel that they were ‘warned’ not to marry ‘out’. However, although being in a similar situation back home might be ‘easier’, if it happens in countries like ours there’s already an understanding that beating your wife is universally wrong (we hope!). There could be more help available, but as you say the women involved need to ask for that help.
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Oh no, I didn’t think you dismissed Orchid’s point at all. It was more to do with my response; I saw what we’d both written and thought I might have come across as quite harsh on the women who get into these situations while Orchid’s response showed a lot more understanding, which I actually agree with. I just wanted to be a bit clearer about what I meant to say.
I think you’re quite right when you say that for these women being in a violent relationship with a foreign man in his country must be much worse, if only because it’s hard to get help and also, perhaps, because maybe they feel that they were ‘warned’ not to marry ‘out’. However, although being in a similar situation back home might be ‘easier’, if it happens in countries like ours there’s already an understanding that beating your wife is universally wrong (we hope!). There could be more help available, but as you say the women involved need to ask for that help.
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I don’t want to post too much as I think Emsk and Orchid64 have made really good points, but no one has brought up the Japanese idea of “Gaman” or “enduring”.
People here aren’t often given points for changing things, they’re supposed to endure them.
And, since you know these ladies you know their family histories better than us, but have any of them been cut off from their families for marrying a foreigner? It’s not as common as it once was, but in AFWJ we often hear stories of the older husbands having been disowned by their families for marrying a “gaijin”. That might have happened to some of your friends. If their families have disowned them, they might not feel that they have any place to go anyway.
Hope this makes a bit of sense. It’s late and I probably should have waited for the morning.
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I don’t want to post too much as I think Emsk and Orchid64 have made really good points, but no one has brought up the Japanese idea of “Gaman” or “enduring”.
People here aren’t often given points for changing things, they’re supposed to endure them.
And, since you know these ladies you know their family histories better than us, but have any of them been cut off from their families for marrying a foreigner? It’s not as common as it once was, but in AFWJ we often hear stories of the older husbands having been disowned by their families for marrying a “gaijin”. That might have happened to some of your friends. If their families have disowned them, they might not feel that they have any place to go anyway.
Hope this makes a bit of sense. It’s late and I probably should have waited for the morning.
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Hi Helen thanks for commenting. As far as I know they all have good relationships with their parents, and their family doesn’t mind about them marrying/dating a foreigner.
I think in most of the cases though, the aussie can’t/won’t speak Japanese so the relationship between the him and the in-laws is strained at best.
I agree with what you say about gaman. I didn’t think of that. That and “shikata ga nai”, they’ve got themselves into the situation and it can’t be helped type thinking.
Emsk, I didn’t think you came across as harsh. It’s the truth, and the truth sometimes is negative.
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Hi Helen thanks for commenting. As far as I know they all have good relationships with their parents, and their family doesn’t mind about them marrying/dating a foreigner.
I think in most of the cases though, the aussie can’t/won’t speak Japanese so the relationship between the him and the in-laws is strained at best.
I agree with what you say about gaman. I didn’t think of that. That and “shikata ga nai”, they’ve got themselves into the situation and it can’t be helped type thinking.
Emsk, I didn’t think you came across as harsh. It’s the truth, and the truth sometimes is negative.
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