Dear Baby,
You were with me for just 7 weeks. You were the new year baby, the hime hajime gift.
You’ll never know how much just staying with me for 7 weeks meant to me. The fact that you could find a home with me for that long makes me happy. I’m sad that my home wasn’t the best place for you, and that you departed last weekend. But I don’t hold it against you, because I know someday we’ll meet again, you and I.
I love you as much as any baby that would go to full-term. Yasu loves you too. In fact, he was so excited about you that he was already coming up with baby names. He was really sad that you went away, but he knows you had your reasons.
You have spurred me onto greater things. I’ve taken your departure not as a loss but as a gain to a new life and a new body. Keeping you in my heart and mind always, I am determined to fight to get my body back. When I get to my new place of well being I will try to meet you again.
I have gone through so many emotions to get to this place. I was angry at life and angry at you, and angry at everyone. I was angry because my next door neighbours yell “shut the fuck up” to their 6 month old baby. I was angry because one of my friends always complain about how they never get any sleep because of their 1 year old. I was angry because a former colleague of mine is always trying to fob their kids off onto others. I silently pleaded with them
“don’t you know what I would give just to be tired because a baby kept me up all night?”
“don’t you appreciate what you’ve got?? I would LOVE to be in YOUR shoes“.
But in the end, focusing on what others have and my lack of is not the way to gain. Contrast is neither good nor bad. I’m willing to appreciate that everyone is on their own journeys.
You came to me, you made ME tired. I was so tired I couldn’t get out of bed some days. But I loved it when I knew why. I appreciate that you made the effort to come to me and let me love you.
I know that when you come back into my life again I will be so grateful. I will appreciate every part of you. If I have to get up ten million times in a night just to be by your side, I will be there without complaint. You will be bathed in our love. I will never try to be away from you. In fact, you’ll probably want to get away from us!
When you come back to us dear baby, we will be ready for you, and my body will be a proper home. Until then I will be working hard, sending you lots of healing energy, and waiting for your return.
I love you so much xoxo
